Hook Me Up

Photo: Yorokubu

Will the summer never arrive to this shady bit of Spain? Or will we euphemize the drag of constantly wearing rain boots and master the art of driving an umbrella? Keep the faith, I say. We must stand optimistic and make mental adjustments as if basking under the sun and swimming in the frothy sea. Oh, yes, I am going to buy a fantastic crochet bikini. Like the one adorning the Duchess of Alba. For those foreign to this infamous lady, I must tell you that she occupies the highest rank of the Spanish aristocracy. Her ancient lineage was painted by many artists including, most notably, Goya, as the mysterious and subject in the scandalous “La maja desnuda”. Unfortunately the heiress of such duchy that concerns us has now brought the fame of the crochet bikini to its lowest ebb in terms of style.

I decided not to show you an actual photograph of her because it would tarnish the reputation of this blog, but it is easily searchable, and as you will see Google Images even classifies the search into distinct categories-duchess with one piece swimsuit, duchess with bikini, etc-so as you can guess there’s a whole world out there…

The Spanish word for the craft of cotton crochet is ganchillo which means literally little hook. It also denotes the knitting tool itself. And with that little hook –and the help of the knitting clubs-one can find-and make-all kinds of pretty things. Here in Spain we all remember the little “hats” that disguised the toilet paper, the removable crocheted cloth for protecting the sofa arms and the round covers for the mesas camillas (old round tables that underneath held a hole for a coal heater). Real cozy. The former and the latter may require a photo, carrying the risk of pushing me off the style pedestal from which I have planted myself.

Here you go

But let us not forget, our subject for today is bikinis.

Yesterday I passed a shop window that had the sexiest bikini ever. A crocheted, dark sand-colored little number by the Spanish brand TCN. So I went in and ventured to try it on. Pfff. It doesn’t even have a liner! So what do you do when it gets wet?  In case you don’t know, once wet the material will start to stretch out. Any good knitter knows that a crochet bikini is the stupidest thing ever, so I was hoping for a little linen liner to control the expansion. Not to mention the see-it-all through those loose stitches! I have to admit it looked great, it showed more than necessary (that is the point anyway, isn’t it?). So I asked the attendant, "how does this behave when you get in the water?" to which she replied: “oh, no, that bikini is not for swimming or getting wet”. Oh. REALLY!? For God sake’s, the ridiculous thing costs over €200 a pop! What do you want me to do with it:

1.    wear the top as a bra with denim cut-offs

2.    show it off under a light and loose camisole and skirt

3.   pair it with a sarong and high heal sandals for dinner al fresco

4.    make a quick-ass music-festival ensemble under a transparent rain jacket. Lets not forget the mandatory (aforementioned) rain boots.

The last option is my preferred. See you all at the Bilbao BBK Live. Neither rain, nor sleet, nor dark of night will impede my attendance with my new knitted (home made instead) bikini.

Helmut Newstonish: I'd show a pic of myself but this one is a lot better